Protect Yourself From Divorce

This week we talked a little bit about divorce: what predicts divorce, what the process of divorce is, and how we can protect our marriage from divorce.  In order to protect ourselves from divorce, there are a few things that we can do.  When we are dating  the person that we are going to marry, we can anticipate problems ahead of time.  When you and the person you are going to marry have been seriously dating or are engaged, talk about how you would react to and handle certain difficult situations.  Don't just wait "to cross that bridge when you come to it."  You can also continue courtship in marriage.  Dating in marriage is just as important, if not more so, as dating before marriage.  Strengthen your relationship with your spouse.  Another thing you can do is never mention the word "divorce."  Do not mention that word even in passing or as some kind of joke.  Joking about divorce is not funny and your spouse will wonder if you are really thinking about it.  You can also have open communication with your spouse.  Cleave to them and to no one else (D&C 42:22).  Do not go to others and complain or whine about your spouse.  This will only make the problem worse and harder to fix.  A final thing that you can do to prevent divorce is to not divide your stuff up.  Don't have two of some things for the two of you.  You are a couple - SHARE. 

Teaching Your Teens

This week we talked a lot about parenting teens.  Our main job as a parent is to prepare our children to be independent, well-functioning adults.  To best do that, we need to be active parents.  Active parents need to be involved with their children, monitor their activities, show them respect, teach them how to use their agency, and teach them good problem-solving skills.  Active parents also need to have a good, solid relationship with their child.  If you have a good relationship with your child, they are more likely to respect you and to listen to you, even if they don't necessarily agree with you.  If you don't have a good relationship with your child, start developing one now!  Find common interests with your child or take an interest in their interests; talk with them and discuss things with them-don't just lecture them.  Listen to your child and to what they are saying and respect them and their opinion, even if you don't agree with it.  Everybody wants to be listened to, especially teens.  When talking with your teen, acknowledge their feelings and don't immediately jump to conclusions, accuse them, or get angry.  Let them tell their side of the story.  And be a good example to your children, young and teenaged.  Children learn more from an example than from a lecture. 

Family Finances

This week we talked about family finances.  Finances are not just a one person thing.  Finances are a family thing.  The husband and wife of a family need to sit down and make up the budget and pay the bills together-not separately or just one person being responsible.  Also, the children of the family need to be involved in the finances too.  Parents don't need to tell the children every nitty, gritty detail, but they do need to tell the children where the money is going.  Parents should not just say, "we don't have the money."  This can cause children untold amounts of stress (I know it did to me).  Parents also need to teach their children how to handle money wisely.  I believe that the best way to do this is by example.  Children see what you do more than they hear what you say.  Teach chidlren to pay their tithing, to budget their money, to save, to exercise self-control, to avoid debt at all costs, etc.  Make finances a family matter and include the Lord.  He is the only way that you will succeed. 

Have Family Councils!

This week we talked about using the council method, not only in church, but in our families.  The most important councils in the church are the family councils.  Making decisions should be a family matter, not just a husband matter, not just a husband and wife matter.  The children need to be included too.  When people are involved in something they are more likely to feel commitment to it; they are a part of it.  In the councils, many perspective can be gained that would have been lost otherwise.  Even just one perspective or insight can make all the difference.  Also, family councils don't have to be with the entire family.  You can have a family council just between father and son, mother and daughter, father and daughter, etc.  It is against our earthly nature to make decisions with other people.  Our instinct is to make decisions alone.  This is not God's way.  God's way of decision-making is to do it together.  Satan will try and drive you apart by having you make decisions alone.  Do not fall into this trap!  When using the council method, follow the example of the First Presidency and the Quorum of the Twelve - express your love for each other; begin and end your council with a prayer; speak openly, in order, and not trying to win; discuss to consensus, not compromise; and above all, SEEK GOD'S WILL.  When you recive God's will, act on it.  If you do this in your families, you can never go wrong.   

Family Crises

This week we mainly talked about family stressors and crises and how to effectively deal with them.  Stressors and crises can be anything from a family member being abused by another family member to the family's car breaking down, from a small child needing to go to the Emergency Room to an elderly family member dying.  But whatever the stressor or crises, it is defined by how the family reacts to it.  What may be an extreme crises to one family may only be a small stressor to another.  It all depends on your reaction.  But whatever it is, remember to pull together as a family-work together as a family, talk together about the event, be there for each other.  That will make all the difference.  Always remember that the experience is bigger than the event.  What may seem completely horrible and terrifying right now may actually turn out to be an experience that brings your family together like nothing else could have.  When working through a crisis don't go into extreme denial, avoidance, or find a scapegoat (Lauer & Lauer, p. 327-328).  Take responsibility, affirm your own and your family's worth, balance self-concern with other-concern, reframe, and find and use available resources (Lauer & Lauer, p. 329-330).

Be Faithful and Set Boundaries

Just because you are married does not mean that you are automatically safe and immune to temptations and extramarital attractions.  Just because you are married does not mean that you can stop working on maintaining a good relationship and assume that everything is "fine and dandy."  When we are married we need to maintain a good, strong, faithful, relationship with our spouse.  This means that we need to cleave to our spouse and to noone else.  If you are having marital problems, do not go and tell other people about them, whether you are seeking advice and counsel or not.  Those people will then have that image of your spouse in their minds and they will have a hard time changing that image.  Often, people will hold grudges long after you and your spouse have forgiven each other and made up.  And if someone starts telling you their marital problems, tell them to stop it - you don't want to hear it.  Another danger of relying on another emotionally is that you can start an emotional affair - being deeply, emotionally connected with someone who is not your spouse.  Do not EVER be alone with a member of the opposite sex.  Not saying that all people would do this, but being alone with someone other than your spouse just leaves the door wide open for temptation to enter in.  Just don't even go there.  When married, we also need to not flirt or have fantasies about other people, whether real or fictional (book and movie characters).  Avoid pornography at all costs!  That goes for men and women!  We need to remember to not wish that our spouse was more like "so-and-so."  Remember what is reality and what is not.  As husband and wife you need to cleave to your spouse - help, strengthen, and support them.  Cleave to your spouse and noone else.

Engagements and Weddings

This week we talked about the stages of being engaged, married, and then having children.  I thought it was really interesting that someone said: "You're not engaged until there's a ring and a date."  That is so true!  In today's society (and yes, even here at BYU-Idaho) there are so many people who say that they are engaged when they don't even have a date set for when they are getting married, or a ring to signify to everyone that they really are committing to the prospect of marriage.  Things should be done in their proper time and order.  Moving on to the actual wedding...The wedding should be nice and tasteful, but it should not be so extravagant that it causes problems for you, your fiancee, or your families.  You should not have to go into extreme debt for it (or any debt for that matter!).  Remember that the temple ceremony is the most important part of this event.  You and your spouse are being sealed for time and all eternity.  Nothing is more important than that. 

Finding the Right Person

This week we talked a lot about dating and about characteristics that go into a relationship.  Dating is the time to find the person that will be our eternal companion.  When dating someone, we need to make sure that we do actually care about and love that person and are not making a "misattribution of love": thinking that we are in love with someone just because we have a hormonal rush, a stomach full of butterflies, or sweaty palms.  Dating is also an opportunity to find out what similarities the two of you share and, when you get serious enough about commitment, how the two of you feel about such things as: the division of household chores, punishment, time spent on callings, etc.  You also need to watch out for red flags when you are dating.  Some things may not be so obvious, but you need to pay attention.  You also need to make sure that you are not just tolerating certain characteristics of someone.  No, the other person will not be perfect, but you do actually have to like them.  Something that always helps me with this is a handout that I received in Young Women's.  It says: "Don't settle for the one you can live with; wait for the one you can't live without."  If I ever find myself thinking about the characteristics and habits of a guy and then thinking "Yeah, I could live with that," I know that that is something I need to be cautious about. 

Gender Roles and Differences

This week has been really interesting talking about gender roles and differences.  I know that there are differences between the genders and their respective roles.  It makes me so sad (and a bit angry) that the world cannot face that fact, especially when it is staring them straight in the face!  I do believe that women should have certain rights and equal opportunities, but the world needs to wake up and realize that there are some things that women just cannot do (ex. firefighting, certain positions in the military, etc).  I am so grateful to have the Gospel in my life and to know the true roles of males and females in this life.  I do believe that husbands and wives should share some responsibilities, but not all of them.  For instance, the husband should be the main breadwinner in the family, doing all he can to let the wife stay in the home and nurture and care for the children.  The husband should also assist in nurturing and caring for the children, but it is the mother's primary responsibility.  Husbands and wives should share household and yard chores in whatever way they see as equal and fair.  It is not necessarily all of the wife's responsibility to cook and do laundry or all of the husband's responsibility to mow and care for the yard.  Some chores and responsibilities can be done by either or both spouses. 

It's Not All About You

When you are a member of a family, your life is interwoven with the lives of your family members.  What happens to one of you, whether good or bad, definitely affects the other people in your family.  I have seen this in my own family so many times, whether it's that someone is stressed, upset, angry, rebellious, tired, excited, or happy.  That person and their emotions then have a resounding impact on the rest of the family.  But instead of ignoring that person, we can either help of celebrate with them.  As a family, we should lift and support each other in any way we can when someone is going through a hard time and celebrate with them when they are happy or excited about something.  That is what a family is all about-being there for each other at any time, no matter what.

Relationships and Rules

I never really thought about all of the little relationships in my family, the subsets.  As I look at my family now and examine our relationships with each other, I realize that there are a lot of subsets.  But subsets aren't always good, are they?  What if two or more people in the family are in a subset against another member of the family, say the kids against mom and dad?  Sometimes subsets can be good, but there may sometimes be a bad side to them.  Just some food for thought.  I also never really thought about how many unspoken rules there were in my family.  It's crazy to think about how many unspoken rules a family may have and what those rules may be about.  I love learning about all of the different aspects of the family, especially the one's I never knew even existed!

Check Your Sources!

I always knew that you had to be careful when looking at information and research, but this week I have learned that you definitely need to be careful about where you are getting your information from.  There are many good resources out there, but there are many more bad ones.  Many sources are completely biased and have no credible foundation.  If you were looking up information pertinent to your own family, you would want good, valid information, right?  Always check your sources!

Another thing that I've always known, but that kind of hit me again, is that marriage is never completely without conflict.  "Not only is conflict normal, but when it is handled properly, it strengthens rather than threatens the marriage" (Marriage and Family, Lauer & Lauer, pg. 8).  It's ok if you and your spouse disagree.  It's the way that you resolve it that matters.  Listen to the other person, see their point of view, and resolve it in a way that you both can agree with.  Marriage isn't supposed to be easy.  Marriage takes work.